This one’s really unhappy, but it ends on a happy note. If you find anything that resonates, try what I describe at the end!
I keep running into blocks in my head, and I eventually noticed that they mostly center around one core thing: worth. Feeling worthy.
Looking deeper into that, I started to figure out why I feel unworthy. It traces to when I was growing up.
I would be promised things, but never get them.
“If you clean your room up completely, I’ll get you a waterbed like mine.”
Let me tell you that my bedroom was spotless after I was told that. I didn’t even shove everything in the closet; I organized it, vacuumed under my existing bed, and kept it that way.
No waterbed. The subject was dropped and I was yelled at if I asked.
“I know we’re supposed to be going to [theme park] today, but if we go to [historical recreation area] instead I’ll buy you TWO season passes to [theme park].”
Thirteen-year-old me sucked it up and trudged through the historical area for a very long day.
I am still owed those two season passes. Maybe it’s not healthy to hold a grudge for almost thirty years, but I really wanted to go to that theme park.
I built something for school; it was destroyed by a parent before I could bring it in.
I worked hard for a chance to have a personal tour of a particle accelerator; a parent cancelled it the day before so I couldn’t go.
I worked my butt off at my jobs to become a leader, a mentor, to get advanced certifications in record time; I was the only one who never got a raise, even when I asked.
There’s a bit of a theme here. The lesson I learned was that no matter how hard I worked or sacrificed for something, I wouldn’t get it. I wouldn’t be rewarded.
That will put a definite crimp in feeling worthy!
It’s time to undo that. In the affirmations I am now including this: